If You Don't Love Me
by Somebody's Me
Summary: Bascially this is a dark version of the events that took place during the pregnancy story-line in season 9. ONE-SHOT.


**A/N: **

**Hey… This is just something I thought of… Hope you guys like it… Enjoy…**

**XOXO…**

(**)(**)

''Pregnant'' April says as she looks up from the piece of paper in her hand, she turns to Jackson who is sitting next to her, Jackson looks straight ahead and April wonders if he heard what she said. ''Jackson say something, Please'' April begs and her voice shakes.

''April, I can't, we can't have this it'' Jackson says finally looking in April's direction. April winces at his use of words, he continues saying ''we've just started our Fellowships and you have to work on your boards, we really can't handle a baby on top of it all.'' April feels the tears start to sting in her eyes, she tells herself she will not cry no matter what.

''I'll make an appointment for tomorrow'' Jackson says now with his phone in his hand. ''We can go during our lunch, is that fine with you?'' Jackson asks not looking up from his phone, she understands why she has to do this but a part of her really wants to keep this baby, she thought that Jackson might ask her want she wanted first before making a decision.

''So tomorrow during our lunch break is set?'' Jackson asks and April simply nods not trusting her voice enough to say anything, if she speaks she's afraid Jackson might hear how broken she is in her voice. ''I got to go, check in on Torres'' Jackson says as he gets up and leaves. April just sits their outside the hospital and finally lets the tears she's been holding in fall out.

(**)(**)

April gets a text to meet Jackson in the hospital lobby. She changes into her street clothes and goes down to the lobby, she spends half an hour waiting for him, he finally shows up.

''Sorry I'm late'' Jackson says as they walk out into the parking lot. April doesn't speak the entire drive, she's scared and she prays to God that he'll forgive her for what she's about to do.

They walk into the doctor's office, Jackson goes to the receptionist and let's her know what they are there for, while April takes a seat. Jackson gets back and takes a seat next to her, April yearns for him to take her hand, do something, anything to reassure her, but he doesn't.

The receptionist calls out her name and they go in to see the doctor. Jackson is the one that does all the talking, April remains silent the whole time. The doctor whose name she didn't get hands her a gown, telling her to change into it while he and Jackson leave the room.

April takes the moment alone to say a prayer; she puts her hand on her stomach and says ''I'm sorry, I just can't do this alone'' as the tears slowly seep down her face. She quickly composes herself before Jackson and the doctor come back in the room.

April turns to Jackson ''could you… could you please, wait outside'' her voice small and childlike, she hates how weak she is, she wishes she was stronger, she wishes she could do this all on her own, that she could take care of this baby, but she can't. She needed Jackson to tell her that he could help her do it all, but he didn't. Jackson simply nods and walks out.

(**)(**)

It didn't hurt much, but nothing in this world could compare to the emptiness she feels inside. She thought when coming out Jackson would be waiting there to comfort her, but he wasn't. The nurse said he had left to get a cup of coffee and would be back soon. She waits for 15 minutes before he returns, but there's no comforting or asking how she's doing.

The get into his car and either of them speak until Jackson says ''now that that's over things can go back to the way they were.'' April gives him a fake smile and nods, maybe that's for the best and at least he still wants me, she thinks.

(**)(**)

A month has past and April still feels that hole in her heart, she often cries herself to sleep, not knowing what else to do. She and Jackson are still doing what they were doing before the incident. They never speak about what happened it's as if it never happened at all.

Jackson never takes her out on dates; she knows what she is to him, but it doesn't stop it from hurting. April always thought of herself as a girlfriend turned into wife kind of girl, but with Jackson she knew what she was, she was someone to keep the sheets of the on call room they used warm, she had learnt to accept it, she'd never be worthy of him.

(**)(**)

Some days are harder than others, like today. Jackson and April had just finished with their daily on call room activity and were back to work. April hears the sound of laughter as she stands at the nurses' station and writes into one of her patients charts, she looks up to see Jackson standing nearby flirting with an intern. She knows she has no right to feel the way she does, but in hurts so bad.

She finishes her task at hand as quickly as possible and runs to a nearby supply closet, she tries to tell herself not to cry and that she's been irrational, Jackson isn't her boyfriend; she is just his sex bubby, that's all she is, that's all she'll ever be.

(**)(**)

April walks into the locker room after a long shift, she just wants to change and go home. Suddenly Jackson and Alex walk in and before either of them can spot her she goes into one of the changing rooms.

''Hey Avery, want to grab a drink at Joe's?'' Alex asks Jackson. ''Sorry man, I kinda have plans'' Jackson replies and April wonders what Jackson could have planned. Alex scoffs and asks ''what plans do you have?'' April listens closely ask Jackson replies ''I have a date'' April feels the wind knocked out of her. ''You're finally taking Kepner on a date, are you sure you want to do that man?'' Alex asks laughing.

''It's not April, why would I take April on a date?'' Jackson asks as if it's the most ridiculous thing in the world. ''Dude you're screwing her!'' Alex replies. ''It's nothing serious, man" Jackson says, confirming what April already knew. ''So, who's this date of yours?'' Alex asks. ''Stephanie, the intern'' Jackson answers and April remembers him flirting with her earlier. ''Dude good for you, you really need a break for that Kepner craziness'' Alex says and April's not bother about his comment, she doesn't like Alex very much either. ''Yeah, thanks man'' Jackson says and she hears the locker room door close, she wipes her tears thinking that it's safe to come out.

As she walks out she spots Alex still changing, he looks at her shocked realising she must have heard everything he and Jackson spoke about ''April'' Alex says. April just gives him a sad smile and says ''It's okay Alex, it's nothing I didn't already know'' as she grabs her bag and walks away.

(**)(**)

Jackson finds April the next morning and he pulls her aside to speak, she wonders if Alex told him that she overheard them speaking last night. ''So, we have to stop sleeping together'' Jackson spills out. ''I'm actually seeing someone and I think I might really like her, so you understand right?'' Jackson asks and April puts on the biggest fake smile she has and nods, and just like that Jackson leaves her alone in the supply closet.

Who's going to want her now? She thinks, not even her best friend who she's known for years thought she was anything special and she wasn't, she never had a shot with Jackson, she was never worthy, but it still hurt like hell.

Once she composes herself she goes back to work pushing her emotions to the back, telling herself to detach and focus on the people that need her help.

(**)(**)

April sees Jackson and his girlfriend Stephanie together and her heart breaks, she believes that it's her punishment for being selfish and killing an innocent child, she deserves it she tells herself, she deserves living with this constant pain of knowing she wasn't good enough for someone she loved. She smiles at them when passing them by, pretending that she isn't dying inside.

(**)(**)

She goes home that night and realises that she can't live like this anymore, she's a doctor she knows the right places to cut. The last thing she does before she falls into a deep sleep, is think of what she had said to Gary Clarke.

''My name, my name is April Kepner. I'm 28 years old, and I was born April 23rd in, in Ohio. I'm from C-Columbus. Columbus, Ohio. Um, my mom, my mom is a teacher, and m-my dad is a framer. Corn. C-corn. He, he, he grows corn. There, their names are Karen and Joe. I have three sisters! Libby's the oldest. I, I'm next, and then K-Kimmy and Alice. I, I, I haven't done anything. I haven't… I've barely lived! I, I'm not finished yet. No one's loved me yet. Please. Please. I'm someone's child! I'm a person! I'm a person!''

2 years later and nothing had changed, she hadn't done anything, she had barely lived, she wasn't finished, but she had had enough. No one's ever loved her and no one ever will.


End file.
